sad story!!!

2009-11-03T22:24:00.003+08:00

It has almost been 2 months since i last posted an entry. Life in CBRD is good. I love the lifestyle there. But something has been bothering me for quite a long while. I really feel very unhappy whenever it dawns to me that same thing has occured to me again, exactly like 3 years ago. Time flies~ I really dont know what's going on in your mind. Can u plz enlighten me???

2009-09-13T11:30:00.000+08:00

Did live firing demolition a couple of days ago. I really love the landflame mine. It's super cool okie. It will be really vry effective to burn down enemy's vehicle. It's like there is still a big flame of fire after the explosion.

Finally my dad is assured to let me drive alone. So I spin around bishan area with his car. Somehow as I drive, I decided to park the car near your house in hope that I can see you. But I am always unlucky... Lolz~ i really hope to see u again but still, i have my own reasons. Pardon me plz~

2009-09-06T17:18:00.000+08:00

1 more week and i will go to my specialization course. Hopefully it will be cbrd. I really have no desire to go EOD where i will burn my weekends or bridging where i have go super lots of oiling. I rather wear gas mask and mob 4 to do my mission. I seriously have to change my attitude when i go to my specialisation. Should not have the 'F*** it' mentality!!

Do u know that i have always been waiting for u?? I know u are not ready and i am prepared to wait further. Hopefully time will heal your wound and u will say yes if i ask u the question...

2009-08-21T22:58:00.001+08:00

Haix...block leave going to end soon. Time flies! =(

I feel so troubled!!! Only u can help me. Every now and then i keep thinking of u. Why do i feel that u dont really care about me anymore? I am always the one starting the conversation. Does it mean that if i dont message u first, u wont message me at all. I feel so distant from u. In the past, u will sms whenever u like and bug me. But now, everytime i hear my phone ring, i am always hoping that your name will appear on the screen and somehow it never happen =(

I know I am a guy and I should be the one taking all the initiatives. But i have tried. Guess i am deemed to be a failure in relationship =(

2009-08-15T23:09:00.000+08:00

CBRE!!! I have been posted to the unit that i want. No field camp, max of 4km route march, near to my house and extra 200 bucks of risk allowance. Shiok~ The only bad thing about is mobbing up and down with the irritating gas mask. Lolz~ Another 12 wks of training and I will be a 3SG.

Picture of you - Boyzone

Didn't they say that I would make a mistake
Didn't they say you were gonna be trouble
People told me you were too much to take
I couldn't see it, I didn't want to know

I let you in, and you let me down
You messed me up and you turned my life around
Left me feeling I had nowhere to go
I was alone how was I to know that

You would be there when I needed somebody
You would be there the only one could help

I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find
The friend that was there all along

Who'd believe that after all we've been through
I'd be able to put my trust in you
Goes to show you can forgive and forget
Looking back I have no regrets cos

You would be there when I needed somebody
You would be there the only one could help me

I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find
The friend that was there all along

You would be there when I needed somebody
You would be there the only one could help me

I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find
The friend that was there all along

Had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find
The friend that was there all along

Had a picture of you in my mind, all along
Never knew it could be so wrong, all along
Why'd it take me so long just to find

A pity that u have exams next week if not I can meet up with u and clarify matters...

2009-08-12T00:20:00.002+08:00

I have made the decision. To do things in a roundabout way and let u know about the existence of this blog. My heart really yearn for u. Everytime i look at the pics in your facebook, my heart aches. So close yet so far. Haix...

I shall leave the tossing of coin to fate!

2009-08-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

4 more days to POP!! Hopefully i can get into cbre and get the extra 200 bucks risk allowance. I am praying hard not to get into aslc. I seriously will just down-pes and get my corporal rank. Lolz~

Went out with my jc classmates for lunch and kbox session today. Had my fun. And I managed to engage a conversation with pat on our way home. Our first since 2.5 years ago. Now, I can tell myself confidently that I really have no feeling towards her anymore. We are just friends... I want to tell u that I do think of you every now and then. Yet, I am losing confidence not only in myself, as well as you. I dont know how to describe my feeling. Total loss of words. Haix~

2009-08-02T17:04:00.000+08:00

Weird feeling, yet again...This song describes my feeling towards u!

张韶涵-其实很爱你

离开不会太悲伤
有些心情该释放
直到眼泪它自己落下
才发现骗不了自己
其实很爱你
现在学着去遗忘
躲开有你的地方
回忆被谁放在书架上
把他从最高的地方落下
感动越是深刻
寂寞就越伤人喔
每个人的心里都
会有一段伤痕
像白纸的天真
仿佛被你伤得好深
相爱不需要理由
离开也没有理由挽留

2009-07-25T18:18:00.000+08:00

ARRGHHHHH... I feel so vexed. I am worried about 2 things. Should I tell my parents about the work that they violently objected? Should I just bluff them or tell them the truth? What if they really object after my reasoning? Haix~ I have too many questions in my head now. It's going to explode any moment.

I am worrying about u. U sound so stressed the other time... Yes, u not being able to catch up with your school work. I am afraid that u cant take the mounting pressure in school. Without me by your side, I really hope that someone will step up to comfort u and lessen your stress.

2009-07-19T09:44:00.003+08:00

Some random thoughts

I know I am only just a buddy in your eyes.
I shouldnt say anything,
But i dont want you to be unhappy.
It appears that you still miss your ex.
It's becoming a burden that prevents you from starting another romantic relationship.
Even someone cares about you, you may not be aware at all.
Actually I am a very reserved person.
If I am not sure what I feel, I wont tell others about it.
It's because I dont want to destroy the friendship we already have.
Since I am worried about you, I feel that I have the duty to motivate you and cheer you up.
You are hesitant and indecisive.
If you are still sweet to him, go and date with him again.
Otherwise what he does shouldnt be bothering you.
You shouldnt let your mind be troubled.
Maybe I have been thinking too much but I really hope that you can get through your past.
It's ok even if you dont pick me in the end.
You must at least give yourself a chance to start all over again!

2009-07-05T21:03:00.002+08:00

Went out with my family today. Get to drive my dad's new car. Toyota Altis... It's quite cool coz of e dvd system, sound amplifier and touch screen function. And we watched transformer in a movable cinema. Hahaz... Why do u always like to stop replying me after a short chat? I have read your blog and it's always hurt to read but still, i am concerned over u and hope to know more. Haix~ I am such a loser!!

2009-07-04T18:35:00.003+08:00

2 weeks have passed in sispec and i am starting to feel the heat in charlie company. We only had 4 hours plus of sleep per day for 3 consecutive days. Super shagged and i fell asleep for every lecture. I think i will die out during mon's signal test. Oh, i got my IPPT gold and in reward...200 bucks! And my 2.4 timing improved again. Soon, i will be able to run less than 9min. Today's games day was outstanding. My soccer team emerged champion and we received a gold medal each. I played left back but my left foot is cmi so i have to kick out the ball every time i get it. Still, we kept clean sheets all the way and won our semis and finals' penalty shootout. I am proud of myself for scoring the decisive penalty in the semis.

我真的真的好想你~

2009-06-21T20:35:00.002+08:00

Today is the last day of my block leave. To be frank, i have enjoyed this leave. Pass my driving test, get to meet up with many many of my friends and most importantly, i am posted to sispec (I will miss all my bros in bmt). Though i fail to grab the chance to meet up with u, i never regret it. I have this feeling that it will be more of awkward if we meet up. Guess my heart still cant let go of the fact...

Is it true that absence makes the heart grow fonder?? But why doesnt your heart feels that way?

2009-06-18T14:03:00.002+08:00

Went to edward's house for cheer bbq yesterday. Edward and I went to shop for grocery during the noon, had lunch with sherry and shona. Went to his house...play scrabble and boggle. I won scrabble but lost terribly in boggle. Well, I really sucks at it and I am too lazy to squeeze words out of my rusty brain. Hahaz~ The rest came at 6 plus and we started bbqing the food that we marinated. Well, this is the first time i marinate food and it's quite yummy. After the bbq, i drove boon and liang to amk mrt. They are my first passengers other than my family members. Looking forward to the og dinner later...

2009-06-16T00:05:00.002+08:00

Finally i have got the driving license to drive around... I think i have matured quite alot as compared to a few months back. I have learnt to control my anxiety and keep calm. In fact i felt quite relaxed during today's test. Hahaz~ I am proud of myself as it took me only 1 attempt to pass. Not bad sia!!! But still i accumulated 16 demerit points. 1 more error and i would have failed the test. In fact I got deducted 6 points for a stupid reason. I was trying to look at the tester's laptop and end up edging out of my lane and also causing wide turn. Haix~ Still, I am very happy. Drove my dad's car just now. Still trying to get used to driving life without an instructor. Hahaz~ I hope that i will be confident enough to drive highways soon. Oh, just now, i horned a car. I think the driver should be feeling ashamed of himself. Get horned by someone who is not even a 1 day driver yet. Woohoo~

2009-06-14T23:03:00.004+08:00

Yet again, this feeling is back. The sense of lost and despair~ Haix... Plz, can u stop doing this to me!!! Do u really think i dont want to go out with u? I just happen to have my schedule packed for this week! U are simply too weird to be true!!

Tmr driving test...I must pass!!! Dont make the same past mistakes. Maintain your composure. Keep calm. Go for it. I know I am the man!!

I am in love with a korean song - nobody by wonder girls. It's really damn nice and the girls are cute and pretty.

2009-06-12T23:41:00.003+08:00

I am so bored now. Supposedly to watch my EU drama but the website is down for no reason... ZZZ~ Have been looking at other people's blog and i realised that i have not been keeping in contact with all my friends. Even if i have the intention, i dont have the time to spare. Haix~ Still, i will still be meeting up with some of my friends during this block leave.

Had my driving revision today...My first driving lesson since April. Thought that i will be kind of rusty but glad that i recalled most of the stuff. I must remember to do safety checks whenever i reverse and all the misc stuff... I MUST pass this monday's driving test. I dont want to drag it further...

Something tells me that u are troubled and it seems quite serious. But our relationship is no longer like what we have had in the past. I want to care for u and yet, I am trying to restrain myself at the same time. Though we still keep in contact via sms regularly, some things are definitely different as compared to the past. We will call each other every other night to chat, go out together and going work together. Whenever i pass by places that we had been before, all the happy memories start to pour in. Sadly, memories are meant to be memories and will always be nothing but memories.

不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有?? 只是骗别人，骗不了自己

2009-06-12T06:30:00.002+08:00

POP on last wed... Before the parade, we completed our 24km route march. OMG~ it was so tiring and i have the urge to fall out esp at the 2nd last part where we have to march 5km to the next rest point and the weather was damn bloody hot. I really feel like dying. Hahaz~ Wonder where I will be posted to. Hopefully on next fri, sislack will be my next destination.

Played soccer with 15 of my platoon mates at kallang cage yesteday. I played for 4 hours. Super tiring but I enjoyed it. Scored lots of goals but defending needs more improvement. Guess i have to buy a new pair of street soccer shoes esp i slipped several times yesterday. Shall go queensway next week.

My platoon mate asked me to bring the girl that i fancy to our platoon bbq but I really dont know how to break it up to her. Should I ask her???

2009-06-06T15:23:00.003+08:00

4 more days to POP...time flies and my BMT is going to end soon. I have made a lot of good friends in this period of time. Though army life strips my freedom away, I have another angle of sight towards life. I have to admit that I am more disciplined, more willing to help and more enthusiastic to share. I would really like to thank my commanders for training us recruits to a more well-trained soldier. Wonder where i will be posted to after BMT training. Hopefully I can go SISPEC...

2009-05-30T20:16:00.002+08:00

Only get to book out this morning as i was confined. Rifle kena stunned before the 12km route march is kinda dumb. Still, confinement was fun. We get to play soccer, play table-tennis in the annex room and take afternoon nap. Super slack. It's more like a chalet instead of confinement. Shioksiah~ And I got my IPPT gold =) Havent been told about my 2.4 timing but it's should be about 9.30. My current PB.

I received the acceptance from SMU accountancy yesterday and they like expect me to make a decision by 1 june = 3 days later. Well, I have decided to reject NTU environmental engineering and take up SMU accountancy... Hopefully it will be a correct decision...one which i would not regret for the rest of my life. GoGoGo man~~~

2009-05-23T15:51:00.000+08:00

2009-05-23T07:46:00.003+08:00

Had a early bookout yesterday morning... But i kena confinement next week when my other platoon mates are released on thur night while i can only book out on sat morning. DAMN~ 2.5 weeks more to POP. Wonder if i got the chance to go to command school. I have reported sick thrice already and i feel so weak. I remember that i did not fall sick at all during my JC life. ZZZ~

Should I take the initiative to talk to u???

2009-05-17T10:05:00.003+08:00

Finally there is no more outfield, at least for my next 3.5 weeks in bmt. Situational test was kinda fun and u get to know more people. I kana abrasion on my shoulder because of the rifle sling and LBV. 3 large patches of purplish-blackish-red abrasions... Damn painful la... WTH!

Coming up next is hand grenade practice, SOC and IPPT. Talking about IPPT, I had my IPPT warmup test a few days ago and I missed gold by 5s. Sianz... Should have run a bit bit faster. Still, 9.49min is my pb. Now, we will be having phyiscal activities all the way. I have a feeling that I will have muscle ache every day for the following weeks. Hahaz~

无言是一种毒药
Should I talk to you or continue to ignore u???

2009-05-09T17:24:00.003+08:00

Came back from field camp yesterday. Damn shagged. Field camp really sucks. We have to bring back all the muddy stuff to wash and it took me 3 hours last night to wash them. WTH~ It rained the whole 6 days of the field camp la. Stupid weather... The only good things about field camp is we can eat our accessory pack OTOT, longer sleep and no climbing of stairs. Luckily I fell sick during the field camp and i get to sleep in the basha tent while my platoon mates sleep in shelve scrape (p.s i dont know how to spell it correctly). I just need to re-dig my shelve scrape. My fever was in fact a blessing in disguise as i can slack and rest in the medic tentage OTOT. Damn shiok. I lost the damn ET blade and I have to fork out money to buy a new one. Haix. 32 bucks le... Next week is another hectic one. Got IPPT test and SIT test. Sianz. Another outfield camp 3D2N. Powder bath again... Hopefully this time it wont rain at all.

I received NTU acceptance letter. I have the chance to study environmental engineering. Sadly i did not get my first 2 choices sports science and chem engineering. But at least i got a place in a course i have some interest in.

i miss u badly~

2009-05-02T09:00:00.002+08:00

Field camp tmr. Sianz... I hope it wont rain. I hate the feeling of being dirty and muddy. Brr~ Still, i am looking forward to it. This is my first time staying in forested area. Hopefully i wont encounter creatures like snakes/scorpions/wilb boar etc. Lolz~

2009-04-30T20:40:00.004+08:00

Came back from tekong this morning. I am super shagged. Slept the whole afternoon. Army life is quite tough but i think i am still able to cope with it. Yesterday's live firing was fun. I still dont know what's my score but I am hoping to get marksmanship. Food in school really sucks but i still eat loads. I only got silver for my CAT(IPPT warmup) test. I still have to improve my 2.4 timing by 30s. 9.44min is kinda crazy. Field camp on this sun. Sianz...

Though i miss u, i will stick to my principle.

2009-04-12T22:59:00.003+08:00

Went out with the 02 guys today. Had lunch buffet at suntec then pool at marina. Enjoyed myself...As usual, i get to hear lots of NS stories. Lolz~ I am going in tomorrow. I will get to experience everything!

2009-04-11T15:39:00.002+08:00

Went to play street soccer this morning with my aj friends. Super hot and tiring but still, i enjoyed myself. I did not play that well. Made some mistakes playing as the defender. I always love to charge forward and bombard the opposition goal with long range shot. But i hate my soccer shoes which is kinda soft for shooting. Seems like it's time to buy a new pair. Hahaz...

2 more days to NS life. Had a good time chatting with those guys just now. Learned a lot of new things regarding to NS life. I think i am not going to look forward towards the field camp. It sounds terrible. Lolz~

2009-04-10T10:50:00.001+08:00

人往往做一些自己不喜欢做的事情, 但因为在恶劣的环境下而身不由己...

2009-04-10T00:28:00.004+08:00

Went for my interview today. Kind of screwed... Imagine the professor tells u this: I find u a pleasant guy but u make me feel that u are lacking of confidence because u keep avoiding eye contact. Shucks...i am still having this old ailment: eye-contact! That was something i try very hard to overcome during pw. Hmm...seems like i need to spend more time on my eyes.

In 3.5 days time, i will be on my way to tekong, experiencing a new life. Well, i can say that i am looking forward to it. Wonder how NS life will affect me?

I have been having insomnia lately. I just cant get my damn brain to switch off. i think for the past 4 days, i only sleep like less than 25 hours. Sianz... something is really really wrong with me. Am i feeling too nervous? Or is it something weighing in my mind? I dont know...i really dont know!!!

2009-04-06T02:00:00.002+08:00

Gosh~it's 2am in the morning and i doubt i can fall asleep easily again. Last night it took me 2 plus hours to fall asleep. And the reason was i had been thinking and thinking. I have been wondering if i have made the correct decision. I have been thinking everything about the past. I have finally deleted all your pics and messages that i kept in my phone. It's time to let everything go and prepare to face fresh challenges ahead. I dont want to let go but i am left with no choice. And now, i dont know how to face u. For some ridiculous reason which i also dont know, i lose my temper whenever u try to talk to me. I will purposely avoid u by saying that i am going to sleep. I am sorry!!!

I hope u will do well in your studies and enjoy your future career as an OT. Dont have to worry about me. Dont miss me... U still have your other friends to guide u along. Hopefully u will find someone that u truly love soon!

As for this blog, it will always remain unknown to u...i will always keep it within the deepest of my heart!

2009-04-03T00:37:00.003+08:00

I dont know how u feel when u see 'my heart is as dead as this blog' on the other blog. Should i even let u know the existence of this blog? Nah, maybe i should not. I should keep everything to myself. I dont understand myself. Before i met u, i told myself to ignore u and try to keep a distance away from u. But whenever u appear in front of me, all the previous thinkings disappear into thin air immediately. Gosh~why am i so hesitant? I try to let u go but...

11 days towards my enlistment... time really flies. I still can remember the wonderful times we had study together during A level, going out together and even going work together. I dont know whether your liking towards me has increased for this 2 months. But i guess not...at least that's e answer i gather from your blog. Oh well, maybe life in NS will make me forget about u. I really dont understand myself. Why do i have to keep reading your blog, knowing that it will upset me? I must be crazy!

I have been thinking hard...if i really dont contact u, will u contact me? Would i be sad if u really dont talk to me anymore? Maybe i need time. Like what happen to me and pat. It took me 2 years to completely let go of the past. 单恋真的好痛苦...我真的不想再承受了! But i think this time i will need more time.

2009-03-31T23:56:00.004+08:00

Should i fight for my own happiness?
Or should i leave it to fate to decide for me?

I have been watching tv for like more than 7 hours every day since i stopped working. Every time i see a couple who are not destined to be together, i feel sad for them. I understand how they feel. That pain is so unbearable... but somehow, all the couples will have an happy ending. Will that happen to me too? Well, i cant predict the future.

I have been telling myself that it will be my last time seeing u tomorrow. I thought we wont be seeing each other anymore. I realised that other than work, we have nothing to say to each other anymore. Or rather it may be me alone that feels that way. I really have nothing to say to u apart from work. If not for work, i would not have smsed u. Helping u to get your scholarship would be the very last thing i can do for u. When u told me that u got the scholarship, i should be feeling happy for u. But i am not... Why??? I am not trying to avoid u but rather i am running away from my problem. I am too afraid to face it. How i wish i can ask u whether u are ready. But i know what your answer would be...

2009-03-27T00:02:00.002+08:00

To the someone who can hear me,

My heart is aching and i am shedding tears while i typed this post. I feel myself so useless. It really feel so terrible to know that the girl that u like is deeply in love with another guy. I dont want to let u know because i am afraid. I am afraid that u might choose to end our friendship. I am afraid that i will lose you. Come on, stay strong. That's what i told myself for the past 5 mins. I went online and wanted to talk to u. But the post on your blog...i chose to appear offline. Sometimes, i rather not knowing the existence of this blog. But, from another perspective, it may be good as i know how u feel towards me. U have been treating me as a friend all along. I know it but i refuse to admit it right from the start.

Why do I have to feel this way every 3 days? When i am starting to talk to u again, i am being forced to ignore u. I will be starting to think of excuses to avoid/talking to u again. WHY??? I cant even understand myself and i doubt anyone will understand me.

I may appear to be very happy from the outside but nobody would ever know the agony and pain deep within my heart. I feel that i have like a double personality. My attitude and behaviour vary totally during the day and during the night.

2009-03-23T02:08:00.003+08:00

Am i doing the right thing? I purposely waited for u to see if u want to accompany me then reject your company. Seriously, i dont even know what i am doing. I am really scared... I am sorry that i lied to u. My mood isnt that bad, just that my mind is in a whirl. My heart feels heavy and is sinking every second. Goodness knows what is happening to me.

Shucks...i just realised that i did the wrong thing a split second ago. As a friend, u need someone to help u along. U are feeling nervous over your interview and yet i am here adding salt to your wound. I hope u are not worrying about me who is perfectly fine. U must do well for your interview and do me proud!!!

SORRY!!!

3 more weeks to bid farewell

2009-03-21T18:53:00.007+08:00

Yet again, i told myself to let go of everything. But this is not the first time already. Will i be able to succeed this time? I want to treat u as an ordinary friend but on the other hand, i am hoping for miracle to happen. MIRACLE!!! Something that i believe would not happen in real life. I used to believe that i hold to the key of my own destiny, my fate. I hate resigning to fate and let other people to decide my fate. But this time, i guess i have to...

I still hate the way u treat me as a friend or good friend or buddy only. I am starting to have the feeling that i am losing u. And this feeling is getting stronger and stronger, day by day. Everything doesnt bode well for me. Am i destined to be a loser??? One who will always fail no matter how hard he tries??? So unfair...but i guess this world is indeed unfair. No moral, no upright, no justice... Admit it!!! U are destined to be a failure!!!

2009-03-17T23:59:00.007+08:00

I have been looking at my phone for the whole night. I dont know what my heart wants. I want to sms you but i am hoping that you will sms me first. I have been thinking again and again. Even if we really end up together, will we end up being a happy couple? Both of us have the tendency to keep those unhappy stuff to oneself. When i know that your are unhappy, i wish that u could tell me and share it with me. I am more upset when u rather not tell me...I dont know how to face u that's why i am avoiding u.

I just finished watching the hongkong drama. I really admire xiao bao. He is so passionate towards friends and relationship. Even if the girl that he like rejected him, he opts to stay beside her as her best friend. When she got herself a bf, he can only accept this cruel truth. Keep all the pain to himself. Yet, despite the sufferings, he is still devoted to the girl and helped her again ang again. If i am the girl, i will certainly fall in love with this guy... How i wish i can be as strong-willed and optimistic as him!!! How can i smile in front of you while treating like nothing has happened?

I wish that i am not left alone every moment. Coz when i am alone, i will start thinking. When i start thinking, u will be in my mind and those thinking tend to make me sad. I am not trying to imply that u should disappear right in front of me or i regret meeting u. I guess i am just pessimistic over our relationship. I really doubt that we will end up together. But i really hope that we can be together. You see...i am confused again!!! Dont ever try to leave out of my sight...u will break my heart!

2009-03-13T00:00:00.002+08:00

i have been thinking and thinking. Whenever i am alone, i will start to ponder...

Would it be better if i did not fall in love with you?
Would our relationship be better as very very good friends instead of the current situation?
Am i regretting falling in love with you?
Or am i deemed to be a failure in relationship right from the start?

Yesterday u make me feel that we are very very close but today i feel that we are like strangers... what's happening? I remembered how close we were when we read the newspaper together. Yet, i also remembered how u just refuse to tell me your happenings. I was only trying to be concerned but i end up feeling like a nuisance instead. Just now when i walked out of mediacorp, I happened to see u boarding bus 52. I was feeling kinda glad that vanessa asked me some questions, the lift did not come immediately, the damned electric door refused to budge... I really dont know!!! Am i glad that i dont have to face u on the bus? I really dont know what to do. Sometimes i make up my mind to avoid u and yet when u come up to me, how can i possibly do so? I feel so miserable! I feel like just running away from u...how i wish that i had not asked u to work with me! Now, i have to face u and try to give a smile in front of u. This is so tiring...

2009-03-08T23:46:00.005+08:00

I am very happy today as i have made good progress in my rollerblade lesson. I am more than halfway through level 4. I believe that I will need just 3 more lessons to level 5. And also, I want to continue this lesson for another month since my weekends are so free. Might as well go learn something instead of rotting at home and thinking too much. I have decided that next time i will teach rollerblade as my part-time. I am starting to fall in love with this sport. I dont mind the falls as i know that i will be able to learn and pick up the neccessary skills. It takes time and effort but i believe it will be worthwhile... Hopefully u know what i am trying to imply...

To be frank, no matter u are sad or happy, i would love to hug u. I want to care for u but I am afraid that... I am having this feeling of insecurity and uncertainty. Weird~ I really dont know how to express my love to u. Yes...u have become a huge huge part of my life. Where do i stand in your heart? The closer i go, the further i am pushed back. I know that u dont want me to get hurt in case u dont fall in love with me. But i want to tell u that since i have considered this for more than 3 times and still decided to woo u, i ... Haix~ I really dont know what to say. I dont know how to convince u that my love towards u is true. Or maybe the problem is u. U are still unable to let go of the past memories. Doesnt it hurt more when u think of the past? I want u to think of the present and future...Is that possible??? Or maybe u still need more time... I wont force u and u know that!!!

2009-03-06T00:51:00.004+08:00

I dont know if u know this but i really dont like u to call me buddy. U know that i have always hope that our relationship can be more than that. But as for now, only one word can describe my feeling - DISAPPOINTMENT. No matter how hard i try, i am still unable to replace him in your heart. I dont know what he said to u that makes your opinion towards him changed totally.

I know it's hard to forget someone that u really love. I thought i have completely forgot about her. I had a weird dream a few nights ago. I saw her in an office, trying to tell me that she loves me. Oh my, and i did not reject her...nor accept her. But it's all just a dream that will not occur. We are impossible. I realised that i have not let go of the past totally. When u mentioned her name that day, i turned my face away, not letting u to see the change of expression on my face. I did not want u to think too much. But perhaps, i was the one thinking too much. U might not be bothered by such affairs. U asked me if i am afraid that u might take me for granted. To be honest, i do. Sometimes i may just ignore u and do all those stupid little actions, hoping to attract your attention. I really dont know what to do!!!

There are times when u give me hopes but there are times when u squashed everything away...

U are the one who excites me the most yet also the one who disappoint me the most.
U are the one who brings me happiness yet also the one who brings me misery.
U are the one who i want to care the most yet also the one that i feel like ignoring at times.
U are the one who i live for yet also the one who i regret living
Who exactly are u to me???

I have this strange feeling that we are going to be separated when the time comes for u to go to poly and i am enlisted. Will it happen???

2009-02-28T06:35:00.004+08:00

oh boy~i hardly slept for a couple of hours. When i close my eyes, i willl think of u and everything that u have said. Even if i manage to get some sleep, u will appear in my dream. I have realised that u do make up a big part of my life now. Without u, i am losing my sense of direction currently. I guess my love for u has grown significantly for the past few months

Yes, your previous posts have really bother me. It has caused me to lose hope and faith. It explains my behaviour for the last 2 days when i am facing u. I dont know how to face u. There's so much things that i want to tell u like i passed my FTT but facing u, my mind came to a blank. I cant help thinking that i am starting to lose u...

But a large part of me tells me that i yearn for u. I really really hope that u can give me a chance to be your boyfriend. I dont know how to make u to gain your faith in love again. But trust me...i will not let u be hurt like what he had done. I just need u to give me that one and only chance. I will not disappoint u. I promise that i will give u only happiness and not sorrow. I will not break your heart.

2009-02-28T00:12:00.004+08:00

ARRGHHH...i wish that i cant just ignore everything that i am seeing. I wish that i can just stop thinking about it. I wish i can stop thinking about u. BUT...i cant.

I struggled very long before deciding to send u a message. And yet, i did not receive your reply. Plus, the new post on your blog... I have put a blog tracker in your blog so i know when u have written a new post. I did not meant to intrude your privacy but i was really curious what you will write in the future. Why did u keeping posting stuff about him? Did u purposely write it so that i will know about it? Why cant u post something relating to me? Does he really matter to u so much? Where do i stand? sorry...i will always ask these questions but never to understand their meanings. Meaningless...

I can confirm that you know that i am avoiding u. U want to reduce my pain by not appearing by my side. But it's useless. It's more painful for me when i know u are avoiding me. I really dont know what to do. U miss him badly. Maybe i should just ask jazzy for his number and tell him everything. I wanted to do that when u told me to give u up last month. But i did not do so coz u told me that u were lying. It really hurt me to know that u are upset. I feel super duper useless and i can only pray that one day heaven will give him back to u. I am not being trying to be noble here but i wish that the person that i love will be happy. Since u are unhappy when u are with me, perhaps we should just end our relationship.

I told u that i hope to replace him and to be your man in your heart. Guess i lack the capabilities. I am really disappointed. Everything that i do for you...i was hoping that you will be touched by my sincerity and fall for me one day. I was totally wrong!!! OMG...how come i am so pessimistic? What's happening to me? Am i destined to be a failure?

Pardon me for keeping everything to myself. I really have no wish to let anyone knows about my sorrow except myself. Maybe one day i will. But who knows when that day will arrive...

2009-02-25T23:56:00.003+08:00

Today is one of the unhappiest days in my life. I apparently screwed up everything...like the household chores that my mum asked me to do. And we ended up quarrelling. Furthermore, i read some stuff that maybe i should not have read in the first place. It makes me saddening... I went to NTUC before working to buy some liquor. I saw u on the bus but i was in no mood to see or talk to anyone so i avoided u. Saw the rainbow in the sky but it did not cheer me up at all. I have a feeling that u saw me boarding the bus knowing that i am avoiding u. I went office red-faced. I felt like sleeping during work. And i have a splitting headache now. I finally understand why people seek to alcohol when they are upset. It really make u forget the pain temporarily. Still, i know my limit as i am one who take care of my health meticulously.

I am really very confused. Intuition tells me to give up. Maybe i should try to let go. I am sure i will not be as hurt as u. Anyway this is not my first time...so u don't have to worry about me. i wish i can help u to reduce your suffering but i am not him.

2009-02-20T01:18:00.005+08:00

I killed my blog because it's impossible for me to post any happy post at the moment. This secret blog is my personal diary. I wished that i could be like you and post entries as freely as u like. But i am not like you. I am not prepared to share stuff with u. I still have the mentality of keeping certain things to myself. All my troubles to myself...SORRY! There's alot of things that i know and question but i choose to keep mum. Are u trying to share the stuff with me or just blogging randomly?

I am starting to see the differences between us but i still feel that as long as my heart stays towards u, we still can end up together. And since i know you quite well, i bet u will start doubting this relationship which has yet to start. U will start questioning yourself whether is this guy really your destined one. I know no matter what i say or what i do, i cant give u any assurance. I can only pray that one day, i will be able to move u.

Sometimes I have this question to myself...am i being too concerned over you? So at times, i choose to ignore u in hope u will do something. Take for instance today, when u ask me to accompany u, i choose to stay at home. Will u take me for granted if i shower u with excessive care. Well, i really dont know but i hope not. So far, i have been disappointed. I know that u dont have any feelings towards me yet. But since i choose to not give up, i will persist. Hopefully u can feel my sincerity. My heart do ache when u always mention him but i have no complaint or grumble. I understand...

I am really afraid to make stupid mistakes like what happened to me and pat. I dont want to live in regret again. To be frank, i am afraid to be hurt once again. I know the pain is not as much as u are enduring currently. I want to help u but u are retailiating every move i made. One wrong move and that's game over for me. Gosh~ I am so confused...will fate really let me be with u???

ARGGGHHH...I feel like going to the beach and start to yell like crazy

2009-02-15T06:39:00.004+08:00

OMG~ look at the time. I did not wake up so early. It's because i cant go to sleep after your message. Once i closed my eyes, u will pop up in every part of my mind. There's a lot of things that i dont understand. Well, sometimes things are off better if u dont know about them. So i shant probe further.

U told me not to wait for u anymore. Yes, it took u weeks for u to officially reject me. I dont blame you since i am the willing party. I know it took u more than hours to type this message. It took u more than courage to tell me something that might end our friendship. In fact, i wasnt expecting any reply from you. I thought it would be just a friendly gesture in valentine's day. I have read your message several times. The each time i read it, the more saddening it will be for me...

2009-02-14T00:49:00.003+08:00

I really wish that i know how to cheer you up. It really hurts me when u are feeling sad. All that i can ask is 'are u ok?'. OMG~ this is so dumb.

I am wondering whether u accepted my date last night. I dont know what you mean when u dont want to watch movie but have dinner instead. Does that mean you have accepted me as your bf? Or maybe i am thinking too much. It's just my wishful thinking again. I was really happy when i was able to hold your hand on the bus that time, though it did not last long. I know u have not agreed to be my gf but i long regarded u as one. I want to share your joy and sorrow and allow u to share mine too! I really want to ask u whether u are ready to be my gf. However, something is holding me back. A feeling that tells me that u are not ready. Your heart is still with him. I know u still yearn for him. Sometimes I feel like I am just a substitute good. Now, he is not able to look after you and u always seek for me to pour out your trouble. I dont know whether i should be glad or depress. Where do i stand in your heart? Buddy? Bf? Or maybe half of both of them?

I think this song is very meaningful and super nice!!!

王力宏 - Everything

故事里的起承转合有一些忘记
做了多少错误的选择
原来波折才暗示着该走的方向
指引你我来到这一刻

就算别人都说我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃

cause you're my everything
就一个原因让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你everything
不管用多少个明天
永远从此刻开始算起
你的爱是我的everything

辽阔天际巧合相遇有多少机率
多少烟火坠落无痕迹
因为幸福没有捷径难免要绕道
不被看好越是要走到

你就是everything
就这个原因让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你everything
只要你说一声愿意
所有的未来才有意义
你的爱是我的everything

就如这个原因我会永远记住这种感觉

2009-02-11T00:03:00.001+08:00

Haix...i really dont understand you. I dont know why u treated me so differently when we are at work and going out together. I really dont understand. I feel closer to you at work but you seem to be pushing away from me when we are out together. This is not the first time already. Why??? How much do i mean in your heart? Do u really mean it when you told me that wo yue lai yue xi huan ni? I really dont know. I wish i can stop thinking about it. But whenever i am alone, doing nothing, u will be filled in my mind. This is the feeling that i never had before when i liked her. I know i should not be feeling that way... I understand that you need more time to sort out your thoughts. ARRGHH... can someone or something or somehow please help me out? I think i must be one of the dumbest guy on earth. No, should be the dumbest guy! Next time, i shall buy a mansion near to the seaside so that i can pour out all my trouble to the menacing sea, to the darking sky.

2009-02-10T00:34:00.000+08:00

Ok. For my first entry! There's so much stuff that i want to tell you but i just cant bring myself to tell you. It's really troubling to put all my unhappiness in my heart so i will treat this as my diary.

I know you are still thinking of him. I understand...because you love him deeply. I should not be having any complaints. I myself will think of her sometimes. But i dont know why my heart still hurts though I dont really show it. I dont know if i am jealous or feeling sad. I realised lots and lots of stuff when i hang out with you. I used to think that anyone can be my gf and have a happy ending. I realise that love relationship is long and tedious. I realise that not everyone can be the perfect one for me. I am starting to doubt my capabilities of being a good bf or even a husband. Whenever u feel down, i am unable to help u or make u happy. I tend to lose my temper...i blame myself for being so useless. I used to think positively. No matter how bad my result is, i will always look at the brighter side of life. But this is not the case for relationship. I tend to think all the negative sides, losing hope and confidence. What's wrong with me???

Take instance for today. I wanted to help u on the pool table but u refused. I want to let u win to cheer u up but end up screwing everything. I blamed myself again! i dont know when will u accept me as your bf or maybe i am still your buddy to u. But as for now, i know it's quite impossible because u rejected me for holding you thrice today. I doubt u noticed such small actions but it really matter to me alot alot. I know u said u wanted some time before considering a new relationship. But i am really scared that by the time it comes, i will lose you especially i start my NS and u need to study, we will have less time together and u might end up loving someone else. I know i am being paranoid but love is selfish. I really dont know what to do next. One moment i feel like giving up, another moment i feel that i cant bear to do so. OMG~ i am so confused. So vexing... Sometimes i think i know you well enough, sometimes i dont. I wonder, if all couples are like this or am i thinking too much again.

U said that we care for each other too much which causes us to be having cold wars now and then. I really dont know the reason. Somehow, i have a feeling that u dont care about me sometimes. I know i told u before that i dont mind u ignoring me. Haix...i think i am really a loser. I also dont know when i am saying stuff that come from my inner self-my heart.

Take for another instance. When i told u about my relationship with her, i was not feeling sad because i told u something that i should not say. It's because you said u tried to avoid me earlier on. But at that time, u do have your bf so it's not convenient to say it. I was thinking hard about this on the rock just now. And i came to this conclusion. I feel so dumb. I have been trying to deceive myself?

Is this the way things should turn out to be? I dont know...