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Should i fight for my own happiness?
Or should i leave it to fate to decide for me?
I have been watching tv for like more than 7 hours every day since i stopped working. Every time i see a couple who are not destined to be together, i feel sad for them. I understand how they feel. That pain is so unbearable... but somehow, all the couples will have an happy ending. Will that happen to me too? Well, i cant predict the future.
I have been telling myself that it will be my last time seeing u tomorrow. I thought we wont be seeing each other anymore. I realised that other than work, we have nothing to say to each other anymore. Or rather it may be me alone that feels that way. I really have nothing to say to u apart from work. If not for work, i would not have smsed u. Helping u to get your scholarship would be the very last thing i can do for u. When u told me that u got the scholarship, i should be feeling happy for u. But i am not... Why??? I am not trying to avoid u but rather i am running away from my problem. I am too afraid to face it. How i wish i can ask u whether u are ready. But i know what your answer would be...
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To the someone who can hear me,
My heart is aching and i am shedding tears while i typed this post. I feel myself so useless. It really feel so terrible to know that the girl that u like is deeply in love with another guy. I dont want to let u know because i am afraid. I am afraid that u might choose to end our friendship. I am afraid that i will lose you. Come on, stay strong. That's what i told myself for the past 5 mins. I went online and wanted to talk to u. But the post on your blog...i chose to appear offline. Sometimes, i rather not knowing the existence of this blog. But, from another perspective, it may be good as i know how u feel towards me. U have been treating me as a friend all along. I know it but i refuse to admit it right from the start.
Why do I have to feel this way every 3 days? When i am starting to talk to u again, i am being forced to ignore u. I will be starting to think of excuses to avoid/talking to u again. WHY??? I cant even understand myself and i doubt anyone will understand me.
I may appear to be very happy from the outside but nobody would ever know the agony and pain deep within my heart. I feel that i have like a double personality. My attitude and behaviour vary totally during the day and during the night.
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Am i doing the right thing? I purposely waited for u to see if u want to accompany me then reject your company. Seriously, i dont even know what i am doing. I am really scared... I am sorry that i lied to u. My mood isnt that bad, just that my mind is in a whirl. My heart feels heavy and is sinking every second. Goodness knows what is happening to me.
Shucks...i just realised that i did the wrong thing a split second ago. As a friend, u need someone to help u along. U are feeling nervous over your interview and yet i am here adding salt to your wound. I hope u are not worrying about me who is perfectly fine. U must do well for your interview and do me proud!!!
SORRY!!!
3 more weeks to bid farewell
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Yet again, i told myself to let go of everything. But this is not the first time already. Will i be able to succeed this time? I want to treat u as an ordinary friend but on the other hand, i am hoping for miracle to happen. MIRACLE!!! Something that i believe would not happen in real life. I used to believe that i hold to the key of my own destiny, my fate. I hate resigning to fate and let other people to decide my fate. But this time, i guess i have to...
I still hate the way u treat me as a friend or good friend or buddy only. I am starting to have the feeling that i am losing u. And this feeling is getting stronger and stronger, day by day. Everything doesnt bode well for me. Am i destined to be a loser??? One who will always fail no matter how hard he tries??? So unfair...but i guess this world is indeed unfair. No moral, no upright, no justice... Admit it!!! U are destined to be a failure!!!
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I have been looking at my phone for the whole night. I dont know what my heart wants. I want to sms you but i am hoping that you will sms me first. I have been thinking again and again. Even if we really end up together, will we end up being a happy couple? Both of us have the tendency to keep those unhappy stuff to oneself. When i know that your are unhappy, i wish that u could tell me and share it with me. I am more upset when u rather not tell me...I dont know how to face u that's why i am avoiding u.
I just finished watching the hongkong drama. I really admire xiao bao. He is so passionate towards friends and relationship. Even if the girl that he like rejected him, he opts to stay beside her as her best friend. When she got herself a bf, he can only accept this cruel truth. Keep all the pain to himself. Yet, despite the sufferings, he is still devoted to the girl and helped her again ang again. If i am the girl, i will certainly fall in love with this guy... How i wish i can be as strong-willed and optimistic as him!!! How can i smile in front of you while treating like nothing has happened?
I wish that i am not left alone every moment. Coz when i am alone, i will start thinking. When i start thinking, u will be in my mind and those thinking tend to make me sad. I am not trying to imply that u should disappear right in front of me or i regret meeting u. I guess i am just pessimistic over our relationship. I really doubt that we will end up together. But i really hope that we can be together. You see...i am confused again!!! Dont ever try to leave out of my sight...u will break my heart!
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i have been thinking and thinking. Whenever i am alone, i will start to ponder...
Would it be better if i did not fall in love with you?
Would our relationship be better as very very good friends instead of the current situation?
Am i regretting falling in love with you?
Or am i deemed to be a failure in relationship right from the start?
Yesterday u make me feel that we are very very close but today i feel that we are like strangers... what's happening? I remembered how close we were when we read the newspaper together. Yet, i also remembered how u just refuse to tell me your happenings. I was only trying to be concerned but i end up feeling like a nuisance instead. Just now when i walked out of mediacorp, I happened to see u boarding bus 52. I was feeling kinda glad that vanessa asked me some questions, the lift did not come immediately, the damned electric door refused to budge... I really dont know!!! Am i glad that i dont have to face u on the bus? I really dont know what to do. Sometimes i make up my mind to avoid u and yet when u come up to me, how can i possibly do so? I feel so miserable! I feel like just running away from u...how i wish that i had not asked u to work with me! Now, i have to face u and try to give a smile in front of u. This is so tiring...
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I am very happy today as i have made good progress in my rollerblade lesson. I am more than halfway through level 4. I believe that I will need just 3 more lessons to level 5. And also, I want to continue this lesson for another month since my weekends are so free. Might as well go learn something instead of rotting at home and thinking too much. I have decided that next time i will teach rollerblade as my part-time. I am starting to fall in love with this sport. I dont mind the falls as i know that i will be able to learn and pick up the neccessary skills. It takes time and effort but i believe it will be worthwhile... Hopefully u know what i am trying to imply...
To be frank, no matter u are sad or happy, i would love to hug u. I want to care for u but I am afraid that... I am having this feeling of insecurity and uncertainty. Weird~ I really dont know how to express my love to u. Yes...u have become a huge huge part of my life. Where do i stand in your heart? The closer i go, the further i am pushed back. I know that u dont want me to get hurt in case u dont fall in love with me. But i want to tell u that since i have considered this for more than 3 times and still decided to woo u, i ... Haix~ I really dont know what to say. I dont know how to convince u that my love towards u is true. Or maybe the problem is u. U are still unable to let go of the past memories. Doesnt it hurt more when u think of the past? I want u to think of the present and future...Is that possible??? Or maybe u still need more time... I wont force u and u know that!!!
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I dont know if u know this but i really dont like u to call me buddy. U know that i have always hope that our relationship can be more than that. But as for now, only one word can describe my feeling - DISAPPOINTMENT. No matter how hard i try, i am still unable to replace him in your heart. I dont know what he said to u that makes your opinion towards him changed totally.
I know it's hard to forget someone that u really love. I thought i have completely forgot about her. I had a weird dream a few nights ago. I saw her in an office, trying to tell me that she loves me. Oh my, and i did not reject her...nor accept her. But it's all just a dream that will not occur. We are impossible. I realised that i have not let go of the past totally. When u mentioned her name that day, i turned my face away, not letting u to see the change of expression on my face. I did not want u to think too much. But perhaps, i was the one thinking too much. U might not be bothered by such affairs. U asked me if i am afraid that u might take me for granted. To be honest, i do. Sometimes i may just ignore u and do all those stupid little actions, hoping to attract your attention. I really dont know what to do!!!
There are times when u give me hopes but there are times when u squashed everything away...
U are the one who excites me the most yet also the one who disappoint me the most.
U are the one who brings me happiness yet also the one who brings me misery.
U are the one who i want to care the most yet also the one that i feel like ignoring at times.
U are the one who i live for yet also the one who i regret living
Who exactly are u to me???
I have this strange feeling that we are going to be separated when the time comes for u to go to poly and i am enlisted. Will it happen???