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Ok. For my first entry! There's so much stuff that i want to tell you but i just cant bring myself to tell you. It's really troubling to put all my unhappiness in my heart so i will treat this as my diary.
I know you are still thinking of him. I understand...because you love him deeply. I should not be having any complaints. I myself will think of her sometimes. But i dont know why my heart still hurts though I dont really show it. I dont know if i am jealous or feeling sad. I realised lots and lots of stuff when i hang out with you. I used to think that anyone can be my gf and have a happy ending. I realise that love relationship is long and tedious. I realise that not everyone can be the perfect one for me. I am starting to doubt my capabilities of being a good bf or even a husband. Whenever u feel down, i am unable to help u or make u happy. I tend to lose my temper...i blame myself for being so useless. I used to think positively. No matter how bad my result is, i will always look at the brighter side of life. But this is not the case for relationship. I tend to think all the negative sides, losing hope and confidence. What's wrong with me???
Take instance for today. I wanted to help u on the pool table but u refused. I want to let u win to cheer u up but end up screwing everything. I blamed myself again! i dont know when will u accept me as your bf or maybe i am still your buddy to u. But as for now, i know it's quite impossible because u rejected me for holding you thrice today. I doubt u noticed such small actions but it really matter to me alot alot. I know u said u wanted some time before considering a new relationship. But i am really scared that by the time it comes, i will lose you especially i start my NS and u need to study, we will have less time together and u might end up loving someone else. I know i am being paranoid but love is selfish. I really dont know what to do next. One moment i feel like giving up, another moment i feel that i cant bear to do so. OMG~ i am so confused. So vexing... Sometimes i think i know you well enough, sometimes i dont. I wonder, if all couples are like this or am i thinking too much again.
U said that we care for each other too much which causes us to be having cold wars now and then. I really dont know the reason. Somehow, i have a feeling that u dont care about me sometimes. I know i told u before that i dont mind u ignoring me. Haix...i think i am really a loser. I also dont know when i am saying stuff that come from my inner self-my heart.
Take for another instance. When i told u about my relationship with her, i was not feeling sad because i told u something that i should not say. It's because you said u tried to avoid me earlier on. But at that time, u do have your bf so it's not convenient to say it. I was thinking hard about this on the rock just now. And i came to this conclusion. I feel so dumb. I have been trying to deceive myself?
Is this the way things should turn out to be? I dont know...