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oh boy~i hardly slept for a couple of hours. When i close my eyes, i willl think of u and everything that u have said. Even if i manage to get some sleep, u will appear in my dream. I have realised that u do make up a big part of my life now. Without u, i am losing my sense of direction currently. I guess my love for u has grown significantly for the past few months
Yes, your previous posts have really bother me. It has caused me to lose hope and faith. It explains my behaviour for the last 2 days when i am facing u. I dont know how to face u. There's so much things that i want to tell u like i passed my FTT but facing u, my mind came to a blank. I cant help thinking that i am starting to lose u...
But a large part of me tells me that i yearn for u. I really really hope that u can give me a chance to be your boyfriend. I dont know how to make u to gain your faith in love again. But trust me...i will not let u be hurt like what he had done. I just need u to give me that one and only chance. I will not disappoint u. I promise that i will give u only happiness and not sorrow. I will not break your heart.
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ARRGHHH...i wish that i cant just ignore everything that i am seeing. I wish that i can just stop thinking about it. I wish i can stop thinking about u. BUT...i cant.
I struggled very long before deciding to send u a message. And yet, i did not receive your reply. Plus, the new post on your blog... I have put a blog tracker in your blog so i know when u have written a new post. I did not meant to intrude your privacy but i was really curious what you will write in the future. Why did u keeping posting stuff about him? Did u purposely write it so that i will know about it? Why cant u post something relating to me? Does he really matter to u so much? Where do i stand? sorry...i will always ask these questions but never to understand their meanings. Meaningless...
I can confirm that you know that i am avoiding u. U want to reduce my pain by not appearing by my side. But it's useless. It's more painful for me when i know u are avoiding me. I really dont know what to do. U miss him badly. Maybe i should just ask jazzy for his number and tell him everything. I wanted to do that when u told me to give u up last month. But i did not do so coz u told me that u were lying. It really hurt me to know that u are upset. I feel super duper useless and i can only pray that one day heaven will give him back to u. I am not being trying to be noble here but i wish that the person that i love will be happy. Since u are unhappy when u are with me, perhaps we should just end our relationship.
I told u that i hope to replace him and to be your man in your heart. Guess i lack the capabilities. I am really disappointed. Everything that i do for you...i was hoping that you will be touched by my sincerity and fall for me one day. I was totally wrong!!! OMG...how come i am so pessimistic? What's happening to me? Am i destined to be a failure?
Pardon me for keeping everything to myself. I really have no wish to let anyone knows about my sorrow except myself. Maybe one day i will. But who knows when that day will arrive...
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Today is one of the unhappiest days in my life. I apparently screwed up everything...like the household chores that my mum asked me to do. And we ended up quarrelling. Furthermore, i read some stuff that maybe i should not have read in the first place. It makes me saddening... I went to NTUC before working to buy some liquor. I saw u on the bus but i was in no mood to see or talk to anyone so i avoided u. Saw the rainbow in the sky but it did not cheer me up at all. I have a feeling that u saw me boarding the bus knowing that i am avoiding u. I went office red-faced. I felt like sleeping during work. And i have a splitting headache now. I finally understand why people seek to alcohol when they are upset. It really make u forget the pain temporarily. Still, i know my limit as i am one who take care of my health meticulously.
I am really very confused. Intuition tells me to give up. Maybe i should try to let go. I am sure i will not be as hurt as u. Anyway this is not my first time...so u don't have to worry about me. i wish i can help u to reduce your suffering but i am not him.
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I killed my blog because it's impossible for me to post any happy post at the moment. This secret blog is my personal diary. I wished that i could be like you and post entries as freely as u like. But i am not like you. I am not prepared to share stuff with u. I still have the mentality of keeping certain things to myself. All my troubles to myself...SORRY! There's alot of things that i know and question but i choose to keep mum. Are u trying to share the stuff with me or just blogging randomly?
I am starting to see the differences between us but i still feel that as long as my heart stays towards u, we still can end up together. And since i know you quite well, i bet u will start doubting this relationship which has yet to start. U will start questioning yourself whether is this guy really your destined one. I know no matter what i say or what i do, i cant give u any assurance. I can only pray that one day, i will be able to move u.
Sometimes I have this question to myself...am i being too concerned over you? So at times, i choose to ignore u in hope u will do something. Take for instance today, when u ask me to accompany u, i choose to stay at home. Will u take me for granted if i shower u with excessive care. Well, i really dont know but i hope not. So far, i have been disappointed. I know that u dont have any feelings towards me yet. But since i choose to not give up, i will persist. Hopefully u can feel my sincerity. My heart do ache when u always mention him but i have no complaint or grumble. I understand...
I am really afraid to make stupid mistakes like what happened to me and pat. I dont want to live in regret again. To be frank, i am afraid to be hurt once again. I know the pain is not as much as u are enduring currently. I want to help u but u are retailiating every move i made. One wrong move and that's game over for me. Gosh~ I am so confused...will fate really let me be with u???
ARGGGHHH...I feel like going to the beach and start to yell like crazy
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OMG~ look at the time. I did not wake up so early. It's because i cant go to sleep after your message. Once i closed my eyes, u will pop up in every part of my mind. There's a lot of things that i dont understand. Well, sometimes things are off better if u dont know about them. So i shant probe further.
U told me not to wait for u anymore. Yes, it took u weeks for u to officially reject me. I dont blame you since i am the willing party. I know it took u more than hours to type this message. It took u more than courage to tell me something that might end our friendship. In fact, i wasnt expecting any reply from you. I thought it would be just a friendly gesture in valentine's day. I have read your message several times. The each time i read it, the more saddening it will be for me...
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I really wish that i know how to cheer you up. It really hurts me when u are feeling sad. All that i can ask is 'are u ok?'. OMG~ this is so dumb.
I am wondering whether u accepted my date last night. I dont know what you mean when u dont want to watch movie but have dinner instead. Does that mean you have accepted me as your bf? Or maybe i am thinking too much. It's just my wishful thinking again. I was really happy when i was able to hold your hand on the bus that time, though it did not last long. I know u have not agreed to be my gf but i long regarded u as one. I want to share your joy and sorrow and allow u to share mine too! I really want to ask u whether u are ready to be my gf. However, something is holding me back. A feeling that tells me that u are not ready. Your heart is still with him. I know u still yearn for him. Sometimes I feel like I am just a substitute good. Now, he is not able to look after you and u always seek for me to pour out your trouble. I dont know whether i should be glad or depress. Where do i stand in your heart? Buddy? Bf? Or maybe half of both of them?
I think this song is very meaningful and super nice!!!王力宏 - Everything故事里的起承转合有一些忘记
做了多少错误的选择
原来波折才暗示着该走的方向
指引你我来到这一刻
就算别人都说我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃
cause you're my everything
就一个原因让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你everything
不管用多少个明天
永远从此刻开始算起
你的爱是我的everything
辽阔天际巧合相遇有多少机率
多少烟火坠落无痕迹
因为幸福没有捷径难免要绕道
不被看好越是要走到
你就是everything
就这个原因让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你everything
只要你说一声愿意
所有的未来才有意义
你的爱是我的everything
就如这个原因我会永远记住这种感觉
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Haix...i really dont understand you. I dont know why u treated me so differently when we are at work and going out together. I really dont understand. I feel closer to you at work but you seem to be pushing away from me when we are out together. This is not the first time already. Why??? How much do i mean in your heart? Do u really mean it when you told me that wo yue lai yue xi huan ni? I really dont know. I wish i can stop thinking about it. But whenever i am alone, doing nothing, u will be filled in my mind. This is the feeling that i never had before when i liked her. I know i should not be feeling that way... I understand that you need more time to sort out your thoughts. ARRGHH... can someone or something or somehow please help me out? I think i must be one of the dumbest guy on earth. No, should be the dumbest guy! Next time, i shall buy a mansion near to the seaside so that i can pour out all my trouble to the menacing sea, to the darking sky.
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Ok. For my first entry! There's so much stuff that i want to tell you but i just cant bring myself to tell you. It's really troubling to put all my unhappiness in my heart so i will treat this as my diary.
I know you are still thinking of him. I understand...because you love him deeply. I should not be having any complaints. I myself will think of her sometimes. But i dont know why my heart still hurts though I dont really show it. I dont know if i am jealous or feeling sad. I realised lots and lots of stuff when i hang out with you. I used to think that anyone can be my gf and have a happy ending. I realise that love relationship is long and tedious. I realise that not everyone can be the perfect one for me. I am starting to doubt my capabilities of being a good bf or even a husband. Whenever u feel down, i am unable to help u or make u happy. I tend to lose my temper...i blame myself for being so useless. I used to think positively. No matter how bad my result is, i will always look at the brighter side of life. But this is not the case for relationship. I tend to think all the negative sides, losing hope and confidence. What's wrong with me???
Take instance for today. I wanted to help u on the pool table but u refused. I want to let u win to cheer u up but end up screwing everything. I blamed myself again! i dont know when will u accept me as your bf or maybe i am still your buddy to u. But as for now, i know it's quite impossible because u rejected me for holding you thrice today. I doubt u noticed such small actions but it really matter to me alot alot. I know u said u wanted some time before considering a new relationship. But i am really scared that by the time it comes, i will lose you especially i start my NS and u need to study, we will have less time together and u might end up loving someone else. I know i am being paranoid but love is selfish. I really dont know what to do next. One moment i feel like giving up, another moment i feel that i cant bear to do so. OMG~ i am so confused. So vexing... Sometimes i think i know you well enough, sometimes i dont. I wonder, if all couples are like this or am i thinking too much again.
U said that we care for each other too much which causes us to be having cold wars now and then. I really dont know the reason. Somehow, i have a feeling that u dont care about me sometimes. I know i told u before that i dont mind u ignoring me. Haix...i think i am really a loser. I also dont know when i am saying stuff that come from my inner self-my heart.
Take for another instance. When i told u about my relationship with her, i was not feeling sad because i told u something that i should not say. It's because you said u tried to avoid me earlier on. But at that time, u do have your bf so it's not convenient to say it. I was thinking hard about this on the rock just now. And i came to this conclusion. I feel so dumb. I have been trying to deceive myself?
Is this the way things should turn out to be? I dont know...